Hurt, Anger...?? I Just Don't Know Anymore.

It really sucks knowing how close I was to losing two important people in my life. It sucks knowing you were one of the first to find out that one of you're BEST friends has died in a car accident. I'm still shocked and all these feelings are hard to single out. Hurt, worry, pain, depression, anger, relief, shock, feeling numb. There are a lot more emotions and feelings, but it's hard to shift my mind through it all. I don't wanna think. I don't even wanna be awake right now. And I think I can say for everyone else who lost our great friend, that we all wish it was a dream. But it's not. The cold, hard, and cruelly unfair reality is... that it's not a dream. It's the real world taking place. And it don't care how old or young... it's just takes and takes. It hurts. It really does hurt. And all I wanna do is runaway until everything feels better. I wanna go be with my friend who's still alive, in the hospital... and just be with her. Hold her hand and let her know that I'll never let anything like this happen to her again. Because she's gonna carry the guilt of killing Debbie all on HER OWN shoulders. When it was my fault I sent that fucking text. It was my fault the Liz was distracted. And it's my fault that Liz is gonna carry that guilt now and forever. Everyone I told won't believe me. The refuse to believe that I got Debbie killed because I sent Liz that text. And every time I look back at that text, I can't help but feel that, that was the last thing Liz read before they got hit by that fucking silver pickup.

GOD!! How I hate whoever was driving that pickup!! Why couldn't he have ran off the rode... away from Liz and Debbie?? Why did the minivan have to hit Liz's car from behind!! It's my fault she wasn't paying attention. It's the minivan's fault that she swerved into the wrong lane. And it was the pickup's fault for T-boning the passenger side. Fuck that pickup!! And fuck myself too.

So now I'm stuck with going back to the reports that tell me everything. The pictures that show every goddamned detail. I still go back to the text i sent because I refuse to delete the thread. I keep looking at the location your phone sent me, and the timing in which all of this took pace. And then I think... why wasn't it me who was driving with you?? Why wasn't I in the place of Debbie? I'm usually with you all the time, and this time I wasn't. And then I find myself going to your Facebook page Liz. I end up looking at your pictures, and wishing how I want to so desperately go back and stop myself from sending that fucking text. How I wish I knew what I know now, and use it to stop you from ever getting out of bed on Friday. Because now I'm left with this pain of knowing how close I was to losing you. How so fucking close I was to never being able to tell you how I really feel about you. It scares me to know that this could've been the last time that I would ever talk to you. And looking at your pictures makes me think of how unbelievably beautiful you are. And how by just looking at your smile, I feel like nothing can break me. And then I think back to that ridiculously long message I sent you ,on Facebook, right after I learned that you were stable.

                         "I know you won't read this until you get out or feel better, or whatever, but I wanted to tell you that I do love you. And I know it's been a
                 month, yes I'm still counting, but you are one of the most important people of my life. (By the way The 3rd, will be a month, the 10th will 5
                 weeks. The 17th will be 6 weeks, the 24th 7 weeks, and then by the 3rd of March, it'll be two months.) I can't imagine my life without you now,
                 even if that means we just talk. Because I love talking to you, and I love it when you talk to me. You really did change me, and because of you, I
                 don't really care what others think of me. On whatever it is I choose to do. You also showed me that it's not so bad to open up to someone and
                 tell them things they would never say in reality. And I will never take our relationship for granted. And I know you're gonna be okay and get
                 through this because you're a goddamned winner. You win at everything, and you ARE the champion of everything. You're a fighter, and a warm
                 friend. You're beautiful beyond imagination, and you are a brilliantly lit star to where no one can steel your light. I want you to know that I
                 cherish every moment we spend together, and I nail every word you say to me, in my head, and to my heart so that I can hear what you say
                 when you're not around. I love you Elizabeth, I will always love you. Nothing will change that, and nobody will make me feel differently. You NEED
                 to know that I will always be there for you, even if I'm miles away, I will ALWAYS be a phone call away. And if you really need me, I'll do all I can
                 to rush to your side and make sure that YOU WILL BE FINE. Better than fine!! Please Liz, I want... no I need you to know this, because if you
                 don't I think I might just consider the all-too-easy possibility of falling apart. And if you don't feel the same way, I understand. I understand
                 cause you've been hurt and betrayed. I understand because you have a wonderfully, loving girlfriend, who probably cares for you more than
                 anyone else can ever imagine. I just need you to know this because it's all in my head, and my heart, and I can hardly contain myself when I
                 think of your honest-to god, adorably intoxicating smile. And I'm sorry it took me until now, to find the words to tell you this, but in all honesty, I
                 still don't think I've found the right words to describe to you how I feel about you. I don't think there are any words worthy enough to define how
                 I honestly feel about you, and how magnificently, amazing you truly are. I just need you to know this, and that this only a little bit of my feelings
                 for you.
                                                                           -Sammie C."

And I'm sorry it only took me until now... until this terrible accident... to realize how important it was for me to tell her this. Even if she is with someone else or not. I should've been smart enough to NOT keep this from her. I mean, there's a lot more I have to say... everything we've done so far. Every moment we've spent together. Every word, or spoke thought. I've kept every single memory looked away in my head because nobody has ever been so important to me before, besides my adoptive mother. And I want to cry, but not for the reasons everyone else thinks. I want to cry because I didn't drive up to the hospital as soon as I heard. I want to cry because instead of me, Debbie had to die. She never had to die. She was better than me, and she deserved to live longer then 18, 19 years. I want to cry because I almost lost you and because I don't know what else to do anymore. But I can't because everyone else needs a solid shoulder to stand on right now. Everyone else needs to grieve before me. Everyone needs to get better before I do or else I'll feel selfish. And I won't cry. I won't because everyone needs a strong role model right now, and I need to be one of those role models. I don't have to cry yet because I need to be strong and carry everyone on my shoulders for as long as I'm needed right now.